I’ve been so stressed, overworked, over worried, and under inspired lately. Things back home in Texas have not been going so well, and it’s really affected me. I’ll catch you up.
My dear brother-in-law James has been fighting stage 4 melanoma cancer for the past two years. We thought for a while that he’d be ok, but in August, it took a turn for the worst and the cancer has now metastasized and is in his lungs (40+ tumors to be exact). They say that at this point the cancer is inoperable and that all there is to be done is pain management now. What? Really? I have a problem with that prognosis especially for a man who is only 37 years old. He and I are very close, and he’s like a real brother to me. He’s been in my family now for almost 2 decades and we’ve become very good friends. This kills me and I’m so broken hearted watching him suffer and go through this. Not to mention there are two children involved, my niece (10) and nephew (19). I’m trying to be there for them as much as possible. I don’t want them to see how upset I am or how grave the situation is, but we also can’t hide the reality of the situation from them either. My niece seems ok with everything, but her thinking is “Daddy’s been sick and in the hospital before but he always comes home and things go back to normal.” However, my nephew gets it…he knows things are bad and that there is an inevitable end to this very sad story.
I’ve been home to Texas twice for a week in August and with a weekend in NYC in between and I have to tell you, with the stress of keeping up with my day job, my singing career, and now producing career here in NYC and the family issues back home in TX, I’ve found an extra 10 lbs. on my person. This has really taken a toll on my health. I’m doing everything I can just not to get sick. So now that I’m back in NYC for awhile (until they need me again and/or the funeral), I’ve really been trying to get some control in my life. I may not be able to control what’s going on with my brother-in-law or the medical bills that are stacking up against my family, and I may not be able to control the mishaps that happen when you’re trying to run an Opera Company, AND I may not be able to control the day to day crap that inevitably falls into your lap, but I know I CAN control what I put in my mouth and decide is nutritional. I CAN choose to work-out. I CAN take my vitamins and patrol my health in this manner. I have found this fact to be very comforting in a world that seems to be spinning out of control. This has allowed me to take a deep breath and dig in, in order to prepare myself for whatever may be ahead of me. Perseverance is sometimes the only answer in a world that seems to be going mad.
The past two weeks have really been good for me. Given me strength and fortified me. I know I can get through anything and accomplish what needs to get done. There is always a way. In fact, I’ve been keeping my food log, eating clean, working-out and getting as much rest as possible, and I’ve seen 6.5 of those 10 lbs. that I gained, leave. It feels so shallow talking about weight issues, when so many other things of importance are happening. But I feel that I need to talk this through and have some sort of order and outlet. So thank you for letting me ramble and pour.